How to Discuss a Prenup with Your Partner

Broaching the subject of a prenup with your future spouse can be tricky. Many people hear “prenup” and immediately think “divorce.” Though prenuptial agreements have a reputation for being unromantic, they can be a smart decision for both people entering into marriage. The best approach is to bring it up in the context of a larger discussion about your mutual goals and aspirations and how you plan to share your lives together.

How to Raise the Topic

Even though prenuptial agreements are a wise choice for many couples, raising the topic for the first time can be awkward and unpleasant. Approaching the issue with sensitivity and intelligence can result in a productive and successful conversation. Always begin these discussions as early as possible, so that it doesn’t end up being a nasty surprise right before the wedding. Waiting too long can also make your partner feel like he or she is being rushed or forced into signing—some experts suggest discussing this issue even before a formal engagement. The following are a few suggestions for bringing up the issue:

Raise the issue of prenups in general first: Make sure to prepare your partner for a discussion about prenups by talking to him or her ahead of time about your overall feelings about prenups. Otherwise, your partner may be caught off guard and become angry at being surprised.
Choose the right time and place: Make sure you have the conversation in a private and comfortable space. Broaching the topic in a restaurant, for example, is probably not a good idea. On the other hand, don’t attempt to have the conversation during an intimate moment either.
Make sure it’s a discussion and not a presentation: There’s nothing worse than presenting your partner with a draft of a prenup before you’ve even discussed having one. Make it clear to your partner that the topic is up for discussion and that no decisions have been made yet. You’ll have a less tense and ultimately more successful conversation if both of you feel equally part of the decision-making process.
Approach it in the broader context of financial planning: You and your future spouse will have other financial and legal concerns to address at some point anyway—name changes, changes to insurance and benefits documents, joint bank accounts, and so on. Discussing a prenup can arise naturally from discussions about such topics.
Approach it in the context of wedding planning: You may want to work the prenup conversation into the context of wedding planning, as this planning involves money, family issues, your hopes and dreams, and your expectations of each other. Neither the wedding nor the prenuptial agreement will be the last or most difficult decision of this kind that you will make together.
Be positive: Don’t look at the prenup as “planning for divorce” but rather as the beginning of a process of financial planning that will enable you to achieve your mutual goals, including providing for the lifestyle you both want, as well as retirement, education, business opportunities, travel, and so on. Working out the details up front not only preempts disputes in the event of divorce but also can help prevent the types of disputes that often lead to divorce. In addition, be sensitive and reassuring. If your partner reacts by asking questions such as “Don’t you trust me?,” respond in an understanding way—don’t be dismissive. Instead reassure your partner that this agreement is not about a lack of trust but about planning for a successful future.
Listen: Both you and your partner should feel that you understand what’s happening with the prenup and that you are understood. This mutual assurance is not simply a feel-good measure—if the negotiations are perceived as one-sided, the agreement could potentially be legally challenged and disregarded.
Be reasonable: If you make unreasonable demands during the prenup discussion, you may end up sabotaging your entire relationship.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help: If you have trouble getting the process going, or if there’s a particular issue on which you and your partner can’t agree, an outside voice may be helpful. Consider:
- Marriage counselors (look for MSWs—they’re less expensive than psychologists)
- Premarital counselors (often found through a religious organization, but may be secular as well)
- Mediators
- Financial advisors

To find good professionals, ask for referrals from married friends and colleagues—you are not the first to have these difficulties.

Sunset Clause

Sometimes, couples choose to add a so-called sunset clause to their prenuptial agreement that terminates the agreement if a certain event or situation occurs. In most states, you can add a provision to your prenup that automatically ends the prenup after a certain period of time. For example, a couple might believe that a prenup should be unnecessary after 10 years of marriage, so they could add a sunset clause to that effect. Other couples might use a sunset clause to terminate the prenup in the event that they have a child. The addition of a sunset clause can be a way to compromise if one person is against the prenup: it allows the couple to express their hope for a permanent union while also protecting against a short marriage.

Acknowledgments & Disclaimer

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What a Prenup Cannot Do

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